Oh you guys. I just got off work, waitressing at the southern food mecca of Savannah, and I waited on a CRAZY CRAZY LADY TODAY. I mean, crazy-looking. Just about everybody we wait on there is crazy-acting.

I mean, oh the stories I could tell you. A few nights ago a man who I served a drink without a straw to (the horrors!) stopped me and said, in a very sarcastic and bitchy tone, “Ummmm. Does P—a D–n make straws?” and, playing dumb, I replied in a syrupy voice, “Why no sir, she has not yet broken into the paper products industry! But I DO have ANOTHER company’s straw right here, and can offer you one, if that’s what you would like! Would you like that? Would you like a straw?” (seriously, as if I were addressing a dog) and he meekly said yes.

It feels so good when you can be snotty to the customers but in a way that is too clever for them to actually REALIZE and call you out on. Oh man.

But oh yeah, the lady today. Have you guys seen Hairspray? (The John Waters one, not the crazy remake with John Travolta. What is WITH that?) You know how at the end Debbie Harry has the enormously tall beehive of fake platinum hair, and at one point she reaches in and pulls out a tall bomb? Well, I waited on a crazy southern lady today with that EXACT HAIR. And if that were not enough, she was so sour-tempered that her face was carried all screwed up like a Pekinese. Her mouth and nose were so close together that she looked like one big anus.

(That is awful, I know! But you should have seen it. It was.)

She was one of those people who is pissed off from the very moment you approach the table. Like, don’t be all stroppy with me from the get-go, lady. You haven’t even given me a chance to mess up yet. THEN you can be pissy and anus-faced. Until then, get over yourself.

Anus-faced beehive lady left me a $1-and-change tip. Maybe she was working out some anger over her GIANT ANUS FACE.

(I have typed the word “anus” more times in this post than in my entire life put together. Record!)