Thanks for the comments, everyone. I think I definitely fall more into the “people should have friendships with everyone, regardless of relationship status” view, as opposed to the “just don’t go there, because it makes the significant other nervous” view. That said, I absolutely need to figure out exactly how I feel about E and about F for this all to work and to be above-board.

The good things with E are such: we are almost at our six-month anniversary; we’re very close and see each other for at least a bit every day; we hardly ever argue or fight; I know he cares about me a lot (even though there’s no love word being thrown around) and he shows it and says it; we started out as good friends for three months before segueing into a relationship; I consider us to be pleasant for other people to hang out with because although we’re very nice to each other, it’s not in a sappy or PDA-ish way; and he’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had – generous and sweet and open to talking.

The one glaring bad thing with him, and I hate talking about it because it makes me so sad, is that I’m not very happy, er, physically. First off, he’s not really my type. When we were just friends it was very easy for me to just be friends with him and never get confused because I really didn’t find him attractive. Then when that lightning bolt thing hit me and I suddenly realized I wanted to be with him, I totally felt an attraction, and things were good. I mean, not great, but good.

Things have never been great. The only thing we’ve ever ever had any sort of conflict about or discussions of is the whole sex thing.

And THEN I went on the pill for about a month. I think I wrote about it, because it made me a crazy depressed basket case with no sex drive at all. I stayed on it for six weeks and then quit, and most of the side effects disappeared, but my sex drive seriously NEVER CAME BACK.

It is horrible. I never want to, ever. Okay, maybe once a month. But that’s nothing! And E is so nice and understanding about it that it almost makes things worse. I sort of want him to get frustrated or huffy or jerky about my total frigidity. As is, we’re like a couple of eighty-year-olds who kiss chastely and then turn out the light.

And then wake up and kiss chastely before getting out of bed and getting dressed.

I mean, it is so sad. I feel like I remember what I used to be like, before I went on the pill, and I totally had a sex drive. I remember wanting to have sex with my previous boyfriend, that jerky architect. And now I just don’t at all. I don’t even like kissing, or think about kissing, or feel anything when we are kissing. Which is horrible, because I am 27, and only have a few years left before I get wrinkled and grey ANYWAY, so I really really need to be having some hot sex now, while I am still moderately desirable.

And E knows all this about my non-sex non-drive. He’s sympathetic and tells me we’ll just do whatever I want and that he likes just being with me; it doesn’t have to be all sex all the time. Which is really nice, and sweet, but I can’t believe that he can really be satisfied with a frigid girlfriend. And I’m not satisfied being frigid either.

So anyway, I’m sorry if this post is all TMI with the “sex drive” this and the “frigid” that. I just felt like I wanted to be honest about E’s and my (heh, that looks funny but I think it’s right) relationship, because I am trying to figure out my feelings.

(On a side note, isn’t it weird that people even need to “figure out” their feelings?? I mean, if it’s IN YOUR HEAD, shouldn’t it all be very obvious to you, the person whose head it is? That principle always struck me as surreal.)

Because I do like E, so much, and we get along so well. When I’m with him, I imagine us being household partners and taking care of everything together and cooking and raising the kids and having nice conversations about books. I don’t imagine our awesome sex life, but I feel like maybe this is just a more mature relationship than what I’m used to and what I always thought a long-term relationship should be. I mean, doesn’t all that stuff fall away over time and after kids anyway?

And aren’t I chasing some kind of pipe dream to think that someone could be both a good husband/long-term relationship plus be someone I find super-hot?? I feel like if I break up with E, I will have made a huge mistake and thrown away the best guy I’ve ever been with, and I will have regressed as an adult. And everyone will know that I am irreversibly dysfunctional and will never be happy or satisfied or able to commit.

This is all quite a lot to think about on a Tuesday night. I feel a lump in my throat just from typing all this out and publishing it for strangers. I think I am going to go have some nice chai tea and watch a stupid movie, and try not to acknowledge that I am having second thoughts about the nicest person who has ever wanted to be with me.