What's going on with me?
Happy 0-7
Behold, my pre-going-out-for-New-Year’s plan!
Perfect, yes? The last two bottles from a whole set of tiny blissful chocolate liquers. It was a gift from my mom, oddly enough, from when I visited her a month ago. She had received it from a co-worker and gifted it forward to me, because she knows what makes me happy.
Thanks, Mom!
So, happy new year’s, everyone. Hope you have a safe and fun night tonight and holiday tomorrow!
12.30.2006
Dear Lord, Am I Normal?
Picture this odd sight:
Me, sitting in a chair in my green horse-covered thermal pajamas and watching a Cheers DVD, sipping a glass of Zinfandel (hey, I’m on vacation), while literally SWATTING AT FLIES with the fly-swatter a friend once gave me as a gag housewarming gift.
Why are there tiny flies in my apartment in the dead of winter?? Why is Savannah warm enough to harvest flies the day before New Year’s?
And what better way could there be to spend an afternoon? In a minute I might break out the Eggo waffles and make myself a little post-lunch-pre-dinner meal. Yes, it’s a glamorous life for me.
12.25.2006
I know the day is almost over, but…
Happy Festivus to us all!
(I am writing to you FROM HELL. Oh wait…I mean “from my dad’s house.” My mistake!)
(AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.)
12.19.2006
You heard it first – I’m a horrible girlfriend
Thanks for the comments, everyone. I think I definitely fall more into the “people should have friendships with everyone, regardless of relationship status” view, as opposed to the “just don’t go there, because it makes the significant other nervous” view. That said, I absolutely need to figure out exactly how I feel about E and about F for this all to work and to be above-board.
The good things with E are such: we are almost at our six-month anniversary; we’re very close and see each other for at least a bit every day; we hardly ever argue or fight; I know he cares about me a lot (even though there’s no love word being thrown around) and he shows it and says it; we started out as good friends for three months before segueing into a relationship; I consider us to be pleasant for other people to hang out with because although we’re very nice to each other, it’s not in a sappy or PDA-ish way; and he’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had – generous and sweet and open to talking.
The one glaring bad thing with him, and I hate talking about it because it makes me so sad, is that I’m not very happy, er, physically. First off, he’s not really my type. When we were just friends it was very easy for me to just be friends with him and never get confused because I really didn’t find him attractive. Then when that lightning bolt thing hit me and I suddenly realized I wanted to be with him, I totally felt an attraction, and things were good. I mean, not great, but good.
Things have never been great. The only thing we’ve ever ever had any sort of conflict about or discussions of is the whole sex thing.
And THEN I went on the pill for about a month. I think I wrote about it, because it made me a crazy depressed basket case with no sex drive at all. I stayed on it for six weeks and then quit, and most of the side effects disappeared, but my sex drive seriously NEVER CAME BACK.
It is horrible. I never want to, ever. Okay, maybe once a month. But that’s nothing! And E is so nice and understanding about it that it almost makes things worse. I sort of want him to get frustrated or huffy or jerky about my total frigidity. As is, we’re like a couple of eighty-year-olds who kiss chastely and then turn out the light.
And then wake up and kiss chastely before getting out of bed and getting dressed.
I mean, it is so sad. I feel like I remember what I used to be like, before I went on the pill, and I totally had a sex drive. I remember wanting to have sex with my previous boyfriend, that jerky architect. And now I just don’t at all. I don’t even like kissing, or think about kissing, or feel anything when we are kissing. Which is horrible, because I am 27, and only have a few years left before I get wrinkled and grey ANYWAY, so I really really need to be having some hot sex now, while I am still moderately desirable.
And E knows all this about my non-sex non-drive. He’s sympathetic and tells me we’ll just do whatever I want and that he likes just being with me; it doesn’t have to be all sex all the time. Which is really nice, and sweet, but I can’t believe that he can really be satisfied with a frigid girlfriend. And I’m not satisfied being frigid either.
So anyway, I’m sorry if this post is all TMI with the “sex drive” this and the “frigid” that. I just felt like I wanted to be honest about E’s and my (heh, that looks funny but I think it’s right) relationship, because I am trying to figure out my feelings.
(On a side note, isn’t it weird that people even need to “figure out” their feelings?? I mean, if it’s IN YOUR HEAD, shouldn’t it all be very obvious to you, the person whose head it is? That principle always struck me as surreal.)
Because I do like E, so much, and we get along so well. When I’m with him, I imagine us being household partners and taking care of everything together and cooking and raising the kids and having nice conversations about books. I don’t imagine our awesome sex life, but I feel like maybe this is just a more mature relationship than what I’m used to and what I always thought a long-term relationship should be. I mean, doesn’t all that stuff fall away over time and after kids anyway?
And aren’t I chasing some kind of pipe dream to think that someone could be both a good husband/long-term relationship plus be someone I find super-hot?? I feel like if I break up with E, I will have made a huge mistake and thrown away the best guy I’ve ever been with, and I will have regressed as an adult. And everyone will know that I am irreversibly dysfunctional and will never be happy or satisfied or able to commit.
This is all quite a lot to think about on a Tuesday night. I feel a lump in my throat just from typing all this out and publishing it for strangers. I think I am going to go have some nice chai tea and watch a stupid movie, and try not to acknowledge that I am having second thoughts about the nicest person who has ever wanted to be with me.
12.14.2006
If we’d been alone, tonight would’ve been like a date.
Is it weird to hang out with a boy who is not one’s boyfriend? I have this friend, F, who I met in drawing class last term and got to be friends with during the last few weeks. He caught my eye from the beginning, because he’s cute and Asian and wears good sneakers and was obviously the only other person in the class (other than me, I mean) who wasn’t about 18. And also because his drawings were excellent.
The first time we hung out outside of class, it was to draw in the park one Sunday. Then we went for breakfast after the last class. Last week we went for coffee, which turned into lunch. And then tonight we went for dinner, which turned into coffee. Tonight’s activity included his roommate as well, who was very nice, but as he speaks limited English most of the conversation was between me and F.
Now, okay. This might be a dumb question, but is it, you know, okay to hang out in this way with another boy? Because, you see, these are DATE-LIKE activities. Dinner, coffee, afternoons in the park! Date-like! And we have excellent conversations, and lots in common. Is this okay??
E (boyfriend) is always fine when I tell him I’m meeting up with F. Not super-psyched or anything, but…fine. I’ve had this idea that we need to all hang out together, like in a big group of all of our friends, and that E and F should meet. It seems that this is the more open and honest way to go about it. I’m a little concerned about both how it looks and how E feels about it that F and I hang out alone and that he’s never met F.
I think that this would be fine had F and I always been friends, but to have a steady boyfriend and then suddenly develop another male friend seems a little more delicate. I think. But I tend not to trust my own instincts when it comes to interpersonal situations; I think my radar is a little off from being raised by such a boundary-less and dysfunctional family. So I need a little input.
Input, anyone? I welcome and appreciate any thoughts. Muchas gracias.
12.11.2006
How I spent my Winter Vacation
Hi chickadees, I am back in Savannah. Ended up having no time to post from my mom’s house, because I was very busy and frazzled from my hectic week of:
– meeting friends for lunch
– watching cable tv
As you can see, I took full advantage of being in the nation’s capital for an entire week! Just kidding. Actually I did go downtown, uh, twice. Once to see museums and have a vegetarian curry at Teaism and just generally enjoy the wintery urban environment – and by the way, the wintery urban thing is SO MUCH MORE FUN when you can just swan around the city being touristy, without a care in the world, than when you actually live in a place and the only time you spend in public is commuting to or from your lame “career” thing. Love the swanning around.
The other time was to have chicken tikka masala at my favorite former-neighborhood takeout joint and to meet some girlfriends for drinks. It seems that I basically am using DC for its ethnic food, yes? Luckily for me, I have a stomach of STEEL, people. It is impervious to microorganisms and curry.
For instance, when I was 20 I did the backpacking around Europe thing, with two friends (who by the end of the two weeks were no longer friends, neither to me nor to each other, but that is an entire novel that maybe someday I’ll write). They drank only bottled water and ate almost no produce. I ate every single thing that was within my reach and refilled my one water bottle at every single water fountain I passed, including the ones at the roadside truck stops we had layovers on when our bus would pass through customs.
(Yes we took a BUS around, not a train. You haven’t lived until you’ve had to try and sleep through “Father of the Bride II” dubbed in German and subtitled in French, playing as you passed between countries in the middle of the night.)
And…guess who spent the entire two weeks alternating between the two extremes of stomach impediment (I refuse to spell this out graphically), and who spent the two weeks in blissful ignorance of all things gastrointestinal! You are right!
Stomach of Steel, I say.
But anyway, as I was saying, I ate lots of ethnic food when I go home. Other than that, I really did just catch up on massive amounts of sleep and cable tv. Lifetime has a surprisingly good daytime lineup – Frasier, Will & Grace, and Golden Girls. And let’s not forget the Top Chef marathons and reruns of What Not To Wear. Yep, I watched it all.
The funniest part of being in DC was seeing the crazy wreaking havoc winter was playing on everyone’s looks. Good god! I think that is the most spoiling aspect of the mild southern winters, for sure. Being on the metro provided an up-close education on what women’s magazines are always screaming about – dry, flyaway hair (that 9 times out of 10 NEEDED TO BE TOUCHED-UP IN THE ROOT AREAS, come on let’s be honest) and scaly, red faces and hands. Funny that being back here, there’s really no evidence in peoples’ appearances that we’re in the midst of winter.
Oh, but Kat, I’m sure you look just as hot as always. I am talking about everyone else.
12.2.2006
Of course I haven’t started packing! Are you maaaad?
Okay, am leaving the house in two hours for my flight to DC. Ahhh, I cannot wait. A whole week away from my job and internship! On the down side, a week away from E and from eighty degree (no shit) weather.
Here’s an updated (sans Saran Wrap) look at my Glass Menagerie-inspired tattoo:
It is hard to get a clear shot of something so small and so close up, but I think this is a pretty good likeness. Have a fun weekend everyone – I’ll write from my mom’s house this week!