Is it just me, or has there been a huge explosion in the amount of spam messages coming from Israel lately? My entire spam folder this week was full of such illuminating offers as this:

פטנט חדשני!!! מבצע ייחודי!!! ישירות מהייבואן עד אליך הביתה

And, this:

ייבוא ושיווק בלעדי רק ישירות מהיי

Who knows? Maybe I just posted an offer for penis pills or blow-up dolls, and now I will come up on thousands of Israeli teenaged boys’ google search results. Ah, success.

(I do like how, in that first line, there are the same exclamation points that we use. I guess joy knows no language barriers!)

Lately it is 4.1 million degrees in Savannah. As a concession, I went to Old Navy and bought a mini(ish) skirt. By that I mean that it hits above my knee. I generally wear knee-length skirts all summer long (except when riding my bike, because the whole town has not yet seen my cooter, and I would like to keep it that way), and for this I take a lot of ribbing from my female peers. The word “matronly” has been thrown around a good bit.

I don’t mind, though; I just laugh along. But all the while I think: “Whore.”

So can I tell you the most annoying thing someone can do to a waitress? They can come out to eat with six of their friends and sit at a large table, eat their meal, receive their bill, pay, and then continue to sit for three hours. Oh wait, they can ALSO bring up RELIGION to their waitress, since they are missionaries, which they remind her every time she fills their goddamn sweet tea glasses, and are having their big US reunion. Wait wait wait! After having taken up her (one large) table for three hours, they can leave TEN FREAKING DOLLARS extra on their group grat (which was $24). After having told their waitress repeatedly that they were also DOCTORS.

%&#(!!!!*^%$%#&**#**((*( freaking missionaries %(@^$#)!_)_)&@@@ shit tuition due and also rent %@#!%#*( fuck

Douchebags. I would have made about $80 on that table throughout the rest of the shift.

Can I also tell you guys one more thing? I am very fat right now. I have been eating Ben & Jerry’s nonstop with my new Manfriend. It turns out that ice cream is his favorite food ever, and as I enjoy a tiny scoop now and then, we have taken to buying pints every few days. He eats more than me, but I hold my own! Oh, ho ho! Don’t you worry about that!

The thing is, though…he is 6′3″. I am 5′4″. I am beginning to think that his metabolism might be able to handle this a little better than mine. Possibly because I now bear a striking resemblance to this guy:

Behold, I am on FIRE!

(Is he farting into the crowd?)

We buy so much ice cream, in fact, that every time either of us goes to the Kroger’s lately and the machine spits out coupons based on your frequent buyer’s club history, we always get offers for Ben & Jerry’s. $1 off two pints, or $1.50 off three pints.

Now THAT is some corporate snooping that’s actually useful.