We are supposed to hear the results of our reviews tomorrow. Last time, someone just went into my studio and left the rejection letter, rubber-banded to my slides, sitting on a table to greet me when I arrived that day. This time I assumed was the same - that we’d hear tomorrow, five business days after they actually took place. (You need five days to type up a pagefull of insults, you know.)

But late last night, I got an email from the head of the department, saying he “needed to see me briefly tomorrow in his office.” Very cryptic. I am terrified. I keep racking my brain to think of any other reason he would need to see me today specifically (let alone at all), but I just can’t imagine that this is anything other than “you failed, and since this was the second and last chance, I deliver the news face-to-face, as a courtesy.”

So I have had a knot in my stomach since last night. Then this morning I had class with another grad student who also failed her first review and I told her about the email. She was freaked. During break she ran to check her email and it turned out she had received the same one. I was like, “Well, I don’t know if that makes me feel more hopeful or not. In any case, I feel less alone. Is that a terrible thing to say?”

The thing is, she’s been in the department a few quarters longer than me, and generally everyone was surprised when she failed the review the first time, so I have a hard time believing she actually failed it again. Which means, maybe I didn’t fail it either? It’s a tiny sliver of hope.

I am going to see the department head at 2pm, and I have instructions to text her and let her know if that’s the news or not. She asked me to do that, so that she could steel herself and not cry in his presence. I was like, “Oh, I’ll cry in front on him! He should feel bad!” I am a spiteful girl.

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for me. I think I’ll be drinking heavily after the meeting, regardless of the outcome.