There is a guy in one of my classes, an older married guy, maybe early thirties. I find myself gazing at him sometimes, pondering the nature of men and clothes. See, he’s an attractive guy. I look at his face and I think, Cute guy. But then I look at his clothes and I just marvel at the fact that his wife “lets” him dress that way. My roommate Jane and I have agreed on a Triad of Heinous Male Fashion Crimes, namely:

1. Jean shorts. They are hideous. They belong in the 80s or on children who are playing outside on a hot summer day. Men, PLEASE, do not wear jean shorts. Especially (like the above guy), narrow-fitting, light wash jean shorts. I think his might even have a “Guess” logo on the back pocket. Barf.

2. White sneakers (bonus Horrible Points for white socks). It’s the Jerry Seinfeld look. It looks doofy. White sneakers are just…I don’t know. Lame. Get sneakers that are grey or black, or white with some colored accents. And wear them with pants. Sneakers with shorts make you look like a camp counselor trying to round the kids up for lunch at the mess hall.

3. Sleeveless shirts. Also known as tank tops, a name that makes me cringe even when used in reference to women’s shirts, but just seems extra-moronic when used to describe a man’s shirt. Dudes, sleeveless shirts are a tricky thing for you to pull off without looking cheesy and unappetizing. Jane believes that they’re okay when the sleeve part doesn’t narrow at all over the shoulder, like it just cuts straight down from the shoulder to the armpit, but I feel that even this is taking a little too much leeway with the amount of male armpit the average citizen wants to see. I am going to go out on a limb and just say No Sleeveless Shirts, PLEASE.

(However I am going to make an exception for the classic white ribbed wifebeater, IF the guy has good arms. This looks hot. And don’t get all scrappy with me for saying that only cut guys should be able to wear a certain article of clothing. Men haven’t cornered the market on that whole “being a visual creature” thing, so just save it.)

The guy in class violates rules one and two daily. I haven’t seen him wear a “tank top” (shudder) yet, thank god, but he DOES violate a final rule, one that applies to men and women equally – the cell phone clipped to a belt holder.

I mean, this is fine if you are a contractor or in some other carpentry, construction-type-gig where it is necessary for your career. Everyone else, just say no! That is all.