What's going on with me?
Help desk, my ass
The scene: My apartment, tonight.
Preface: Pretend my real name is Marlena, because it works, syllable-wise.
Man I Now Hate: Hello, Starpower IT help! How may I help you?
Me: Hi, um, for the last few weeks my modem’s lights are blinking all the time, and it doesn’t have solid lights, so I can’t connect to the internet at all and I keep having to shut down. And then when I turn the computer back on, it works okay, but I have to do that once or twice I get online, and tonight it’s just not working at all, it’s just all blinking.
Man I Now Hate: I’m so sorry to hear that!
Me: Thank you.
Man I Now Hate: Okay, Marlena? I need you to power down your computer and unplug the modem from the back of the computer.
…
Me: Okay, I did it.
Man I Now Hate:
…
Man I Now Hate: Marlena? Please hold.
Me: Um, okay.
click click click
Man I Now Hate: Marlena?
Me: Yes?
Man I Now Hate: Um? Please continue to hold.
Me: Um. Okay.
…
Man I Now Hate: Marlena? I am noticing that blahblah blah technical tech tech crap frutz multiple users on your router blah hell.
Me: I’m sorry? I’m not very technical, sorry.
Man I Now Hate: Do you have multiple computers in your home?
Me: What? No, unfortunately.
click click click
Man I Now Hate: Okay, Marlena? I am showing multiple computers to your settings. I am going to adjust that now.
Me: Great, um, thanks.
Man I Now Hate: Please continue? To hold?
Me: Yup.
…
Man I Now Hate: Um? Okay, plug the modem back in and power on.
Me: Okay, it’s done. Should I get online now.
Man I Now Hate: HMMMMMM.
Man I Now Hate: Hmmmmm. Well…
Man I Now Hate: I am showing that your modem is stuck on blinking lights.
Me: Um. Yes, it’s still doing that, you’re right.
Man I Now Hate: Okay, well I will schedule a service call for a technician to come out and fix it for you.
Me: Oh, really? They can’t just, like, drop off a new one or anything?
Man I Now Hate: …
Me: Heh heh. Um, kidding?
Man I Now Hate: Riiiight. Now, Marlena? I have Wednesday from 5-8.
Me: Well, I won’t be home til 6. Can you ask them to come at 6?
Man I Now Hate: No.
Me: Oh. Can you do it on the weekend then, I guess?
Man I Now Hate: Saturday from 11-2.
Me: Okay, thanks.
Man I Now Hate: Now, Marlena? I have to tell you that blah crap fungus price wars internal hourly blah blah equipment $89 per hour.
Me: Wait, what???
Man I Now Hate: If the problem is determined to be coming from INSIDE your home, there is a $49 service fee plus $89 per hour. If the problem results outside of your home or with our equipment, there is no charge.
Me: I…um, so, IS the problem something in here? I mean, is there something else I can try to make sure that the problem is not here?
Man I Now Hate: I don’t know. It’s just something I need to warn you about, it’s part of my job.
Me: Riiight. But in your opinion is this something I’ll be charged for?
Man I Now Hate: I cannot tell you that, ma’am. That is not for me to decide.
Me: It’s just sort of a lot of money. I just wanted your technical opinion I guess.
Man I Now Hate: …
Me: Hello?
Man I Now Hate: Do you have a question for me, ma’am?
Me: Yes! In your opinion, is this problem resulting from something in my house!
Man I Now Hate: I can’t tell you that.
Me: (Head exploding) FINE. Thanks.
Man I Now Hate: (Suddenly all chipper and shit.) Thank you for calling, Marlena! It was a pleasure helping you tonight!
Me: (Punching the nearest pillow repeatedly) ALRIGHT THANK YOU GOODBYE NOW.
***********************
So you see, this is where I have been hiding lately: in the land of no internet access. It is a cold, cold land, but I hope to return to you all soon. Did everyone have a good weekend?