Hi there, I have a cold. It has turned me into a snotty, stuffy mouth-breather (sexay!), which is sort of cramping my style. My nose is all, “Screw you and your CVS-brand cold tablets! I will run when I want to run!” I hate snot. I hate my angry, red, Bozo-the-Clown nose. I hate that a whole week has gone by since I wrote anything or went to anyone elses sites (I’m sorry about that), but I do love that an entire week of work has gone by, which means eight weeks until freedom and grad school.

In my fog of sick I have allowed the dirty dishes to reach frightening, Orange Alert proportions. They are at the point where I couldn’t wash them even if I wanted to, as they’re piled right up to the faucet and there’s no room for water to come out. My sink has become a game of Tetris, like at the end of a game when you’re totally fucked and two seconds away from losing. (Game over.)

So, let me think about any interesting things that have happened this week. I did see Sideways with that guy who I’ve been mildly dating. I hadn’t really wanted to see it; the story sounded sort of ho-hum and I don’t have any particular interest in wine, but this guy (who I will just refer to from here on out as Sheldon, because it suits him in a “When Harry met Sally” sort of way) had loved it and really wanted to see it again.

We went on Wednesday, which I agreed to before I learned that the new America’s Next Top Model series was starting that night. Doh! Sheldon is like, ruining my life! Gosh!

(Yes, I have Napoleon Dynamite on Netflix.)

(Also, sad, right? I wasn’t excited about a date because it interfered with my TV time. Good Lord.)

The movie was better than I had expected. I really really disliked the main character, Miles, but the other guy, Jack, was entertaining. The movie was very obvious about making Jack the Asshole Cheating Jerk, but honestly Miles (the Nice, Mild Weenie) got under my skin much more. He was so passive-aggressive and whiny and spineless. Anyway, so it was my fourth date with Sheldon, and I really feel more and more lukewarm towards him as time goes on. We’ve only had one date that took place in one of our apartments, instead of out in public, and I spent the whole night pressed up against one arm of the sofa as he inched closer to me. So there has been no kissing, not even to say goodbye (Sparky, there’s your salacious details! See, I wasn’t keeping any good secrets). I am hoping that he can tell we’ve moved into Friends territory.

Ass Talk, part one

After the movie, he suggested we get a drink and I said I was just going to go home, but then we ended up standing outside the theatre chatting for like ten minutes, in the 4 degree weather, because we are brilliant. And this was when it happened. He told a story about falling off his bike the day before, and he used the word “fanny.” As in, “So I stood up on the pedals to get my fanny off the seat.” Yes. Seriously.

This is a problem. He is a thirty-five-year-old man. No thirty-five-year-old man should use the word fanny, ever. I’m sorry, but hello? Fanny??! If you can’t say ass, say rear end or butt or something. The word fanny is too Victorian for even five-year-old girls to be using, am I right?

(As an aside, did you know that in England, fanny means vagina? It gives a whole new meaning to fanny pack, doesn’t it? Heh.)

So it is never going to work between Sheldon and me. I am not attracted to him, he has no lips (did I mention that?), and he used the word fanny. That’s it, thats the triad of Romantic Kiss of Death. RIP, Sheldon. It was good sort of knowing you.

A paragraph with no mention of an ass

Another thing that happened this week was that yesterday we held the second round of interviews for my replacement at work. I am pleased to say that my boss and coworkers and I all had the same first choice at the end of the day. My replacement is going to be a BOY, ooh la la. A Southern, bilingual, liberal, idealistic boy. Awesome. He is adorable. He calls me ma’am even though he is MAYBE three years younger than me. I love it.

Back to the Ass Talk

In other TV news (also, back to TV! thank god), the Country Movie Channel (CMT) keeps playing The Great Outdoors, which is one of my all-time favorite corny 80s movies. CMTs commercials are crazy! They are all for albums with names like “I love the USA!” or for The Dukes of Hazzard, which incidentally was one of my favorite shows as a child. (I totally grew up in Georgia. My other favorite show was Hee Haw. Did that even play outside of the Deep South?)

When I was little, I had a big crush on the blond guy in The Great Outdoors. What happened to him? He was so cute. Also, weirdly, Annette Bening is in it. I guess everybody gets hard up for rent money sometimes. I love how, since it’s on TV, they have to edit out the word “ass.” There’s that one scene, you know? Where they keep saying, “Blow it out your ass, Uncle Roman!” etc. Well, the TV people have turned it into “Blow it out your kazoo,” which just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

I now have a ginormous pile of used tissues sitting on the floor next to me, which means it is time for me to go and take more of my ineffectual cold tablets. Take care, you guys! Be well.