One: After work, at the photo shop

Friendly Older Salesguy: Hello! How can I help you!

Me: (Losing brain cells rapidly.) Um. Yes, do you have those things for slides? Those things, like when you’ve already written on the cardboard part around the slide, but you need to write more, so you need labels SHAPED like the cardboard to put over top? And then you can write more?

Friendly Older Salesguy: (Blinking and probably wondering how I have managed to survive so long.) Ah yes. I just saw those recently, and I was just thinking that they were in the wrong place, and I can’t remember if I moved them or not, and I…HERE THEY ARE!

Me: Oh, goody!

Friendly Older Salesguy: (Pulling out a packet.) So, we have a HUGE PACK OF THEM for $15.99!

Me: Hmm. Do you have, like, one of two sheets, for less?

Friendly Older Salesguy: (Blinks.)

Friendly Older Salesguy: We have a HUGE PACK OF THEM for $15.99!

Me: Ah. Okay, I’ll…take them?

Friendly Older Salesguy: (Heading to the register.) Student?

Me: (GOD DAMN this stupid cutesy ski hat from Delias. I probably look like I’m seventeen.) Yes!

Friendly Older Salesguy: Got your ID?

Me: (I have no morals I have no morals I have no-) Uh, nope.

Friendly Older Salesguy: You don’t? You’re so bad! You’re SOOO BAD!

Me: (A little frightened.) Yes I am! Bad! I’m bad!

Friendly Older Salesguy: What school do you go to?

Me: (Shooting high.) The Corcoran.

Friendly Older Salesguy: So, who’s the president at the Corcoran? Who started it? Who provided the funding?

Me: Um. MIZ CORCORAN? Ha ha ha.

Friendly Older Salesguy: Hmmmmmmm.

Me: (Gives my best smile.)

Friendly Older Salesguy: What’s the school song?

Me:

Me: There’s no singing in art school!

Friendly Older Salesguy: HA HAHA HA! Okay, here’s your discount.

Me: (Worn out from working so hard to save, like, a dollar.) Thank you very much.

Two: Later, on the phone to the Indian takeout place

Phone: Ring ring!

Not my usual guy at the Indian place: Hello, zsrlg lghuell kebab!

Me: (Oh, god. Why is my hearing so bad?) Hi! Can I order a takeout, please?

Not my usual guy at the Indian place: Yes! Dloduhrglsd ;dzrg ;dz af;f?

Me: Ah! May I have the chicken tikka masala?

Not my usual guy at the Indian place: Wijs; or ;s;bo?

Me: (Thank god I have memorized the order of the questions.) Spicy.

Not my usual guy at the Indian place: Ohhhhhh, very good ma’am. VERY GOOD. Spgzslig.

Me: Yes! Very good! Very good and spicy!

Not my usual guy at the Indian place: And salg;’ /sg wholewheat naan?

Me: Yes, wholewheat naan, thank you.

Not my usual guy at the Indian place: Okay, skguhl; kr. See you soon.

Me: (Needing to get my hearing checked, like, yesterday.) Bye bye.